A letter to an old friend. 

We never listen to the radio on the way to preschool.  We usually talk about the day ahead or listen to a story. But today we turned on the radio and The Fugees, Killing Me Softly was playing.  Normally I tune to kids music but today I heard the song and I sang along while Declan giggled at me.  It made for a fun drive to work.  Only when I looked at the calendar at the office today did I realize that you sent me that song today. 

We were 15.  I didn’t listen to “good” music according to you. You bought me this album and played it for me always.  It was the start of something exciting.  It was the start of a great love that I would always cherish.  

Declan frequently tells me things that make me feel like you are always around.  He hears music when it’s quiet.  “Someone is singing to me” he says.  

It’s been 13 years since I’ve seen your face and still you are giving me gifts.  

I miss you.  

You’re memory always brings a smile 

www.dougnewby.blogspot.com

This is after Junior prom. We went camping with a big group of friends. I wish I still had that sweatshirt. It was my favorite steal from your boyfriend and make your own sweatshirt. My friend Beth just found this picture and sent it to me. Pictured are me, Doug, Mark Lepage and Colin (my husband). Such a nice surprise on a sunny winter day. Hope it brightens your day too!

I may have said it before on this blog but I know in my heart that Doug pushed Colin and I into each others arms. I waited for Colin to come to pay his respects at the funeral home after Doug passed. I felt like his friendship with Colin was one more genuine than I could describe. A love/hate relationship fostered by two brilliant minds who cared deeply about the other. Whether they chose to share was another story. I knew that Colin would relate to all the sadness I had about losing Doug. I knew he would tell all the best stories and never judge my selfish feelings of grief. 

10 years have passed since we lost our friend and still I think of him so often. I feel the like the words are no longer good enough to describe how I feel about him being gone. I know he is with us. I know he loves us. I hope whoever is reading this knows the same.

Miss you friend. Miss you a lot.

Found this at my parents house.  Erin's Wedding.
Sharing for anyone how comes to visit Doug sometimes.
💕

You always come to me in my dreams near your birthday.  Did you think that I might forget? The years have passed so quickly but in truth I will never forget you.

So simply you knocked on my door and walked right in. Something you do because you are friends with both my husband and I.  You say hi to my dogs and continue through the house.  You are going camping and really need to borrow a bicycle so you can take your nieces and nephews on a bike ride. And you know of course we have one for you to take. It's that easy.  And then I wake.

I miss you friend and wish that we could have grown old together.
Happy Birthday.

Miss you and think of you often.  Hope you are with your family today. Crazy how the time has passed.  Forever in my heart.

Hi from here.

Seven years. Seven! A number that was always so important to you.  I cannot believe that you have been gone that long.  Seems like only yesterday we were eating at nip/tuck laughing and catching up. You invited me to breakfast that morning to tell me you were getting married. You wanted to make sure I had heard from you first. Let's be honest and admit I didn't take the news that well did I? But you always forgave me. And you said I'd be invited to the wedding because eventually I would get over my jealously and be very happy for my good friend Doug. I would have given anything to watch you get married. To watch your happiness shine. I would have died from embarrassment and laughter if you had  the chance to break dance at my wedding. I mean really how great would that have been? Two old friends just luckily enough to share our time together with our spouses. That was supposed to be the way it all turned out.  Instead I tell those stories here.  In hopes that they have the internet where you are.  Since you've been gone the world just isn't that same.

I know I speak for everyone who might read this - we love you and miss you everyday.
Always - J

Happy Birthday Doug!

A Birthday Letter-

We were walking through Kohls. It was the week before mothers day. We were shopping for our moms and you said, "I want to get your mom something too." At the time you were living with my parents. Spending more time with them than I did because I was away at school. You wandered off in search of the perfect something to give to Sally. When you came back you were carrying a garden statue. It was a bunny holding up a bowl that sort of looked like a bird bath.
"What the hell is that?"
"It will be perfect for her garden."

I didn't get it. I never thought it would be something my mom would want. It never occurred to me to buy her a planter/bird bath. I was convinced she wouldn't like it and that we should pick something else out. But as you could always do, you sold me on it. And we went home with the bunny.

And wouldn't you know it my mother loved that damn bunny.
She put in her garden and thank you for picking out such a perfect present.
That bunny is still in her garden. Still bringing your love and energy into her blooms.

She planted red geraniums this year for my wedding. She loaded up Cloyd's car with potted plant after- plant and took them to the ceremony site. After what seems liked 100 pots I looked at the beautiful flowers that she had grown and among those pots stood that little bunny statue -- holding in it the most perfect little red flower.  I could feel you with me all day. Cheering us on!


The week of your funeral I was convinced that I could never get through it. That no one would ever be able to bring the joy to my life that you brought. And then you did something for me. Even though you had left your body you still saw it your duty to take care of me. And walking toward me after saying a prayer at your side was Colin. Thank you for sending him directly into my arms. After that he never left. We miss you and talk of you with fondness - and if we have had a few beers usually with tears.


Thank you for your love, blessing, energy and goodness.

Your family is together tonight celebrating you.
Telling happy stories and laughing.
I joined them for a short while.
Your sisters grew up into beautiful young women.
Your dad still gives good strong hugs.
Your mom hasn't lost that sparkling smile.
They love and miss you tremendously.

Happy 30th Birthday Douglas.

Thought you should know...

Last night I was out with a lot of the LePage family. They always loved you. Jesse, the baby of the fam is a grown up now. We were celebrating his bday last night. I hadnt seen him

in a while. So I walked into the bar and the moment I saw him I thought of you. He looks just like you. Same affect. Same mannerisms. Same loveable personality. It was crazy. Every time he laughed it was like you were in the room. Later in the evening Jesse walked up to me, grabbed my hands and told me that he meant no disrespect but he wanted to show me something. He started top rocking. The same exact way you did! Literally he was doing your dance. He was good too!! He told me it was his version of the 'dougie'.

I told him what I felt when I first saw him that evening and he just started talking. When he was young their we're two people he idolized. You were the first. He loved you. Talked about how

Much he misses you. You left a big impression in this world and I just wanted to let you know you are still missed. It was clear your spirit was with us last night. Just like you should have been.

Always in our hearts. Forever in our memories. Much love my friend.

Forever in the rafters....

Saturday December 19th 2011 The BHS Hockey Team retired the jerseys of two former players who were taken from this life too soon. Doug Newby & Michael Gustafson.

Doug was always #7 - every jersey/email/love letter/page - he even signed the wall at my parents old house #7 -

The first hockey game I ever watched Doug play in was our Sophomore year of high school during Spring League. We had been dating just a few weeks. I sat in the stands at the Berkley ice arena wearing his St Marys Letter jacket and cheered him on. No one knew who this 'new kid' was but he was my boyfriend and he scored 3 goals that game. Just a nice memory that this ceremony brought up from my past. Wish I could have been there.

Words to remember you by...

5 years ago today you left us. 5 years? The only five year mark I ever wanted to remember with you was the time we spent together. Seems like yesterday. When I heard you were gone I immediately starting looking for items from our history together. I read letters, went through photos and the memories overwhelmed me. Treasured moments placed in a box to remember an old love. I spent the next five days after you passed trying to find the perfect words to say at your funeral. I must have rewritten the words a hundred times and in the end it didn't matter if it was perfect as long as I could just get through it. Today I wanted to share those words again so that they and your memory will live on. We miss you. Thank you for always watching over me. I can still hear your laugh....

"I am so not good in front of crowds... But Doug was important enough to me to overcome this fear. I remember a marketing class at Ferris that he coached me through to make sure I passed. And of course I did -- got an A. Marketing, Doug could sell anything to anyone. Every thanksgiving my family would play trivial pursuit and Doug and my dad had an argument over the answer and because Doug said that he knew he was right and had that conviction in his voice. Well let's just say that the team of men in my family were not happy when they didn't win the green piece of pie!

Regardless they loved him. My mom and dad both jumped on the Doug train with me and even though 2 years ago I told them to get off -- they constantly thought of and asked if Doug.

That's how he was.

Unforgettable

For 5 years if my life everyone knew me as "dougs" girlfriend. Now I look back and it wasn't such a bad title.

Everyone always asked me about him. My sisters wedding? Everyone remembers not the way my hair looked but that my date breakdanced. A picture of Doug actually made it into the wedding album. He did that everywhere we went. I can feel my eyes roll as I say this.

I could think of a million things about Doug. His smile, smell, favorite movie-- important moments together. But what I really want everyone in this room to know is that they were lucky to know him.

Lucky to hear him talk hockey or almost anything. I want everyone in this room to know that everyday for the past 8 years I have loved him. And that I will continue to be surrounded by his love forever. The connection I shared with Doug as intense and I hope that most of you in this room were able to feel at least a part of your own connection like the one I feel daily.

How amazing was his laugh?

I will never forget the sound. It just consumes me. He would have loved nothing more than to be surrounded by the laughter of all of you. I know that when he checked in on all of us yesterday and today he was thankful to know that each of you were here to show your love for him. Doug was one of those people I never intended on letting go of and now as I stand here I know that I never will. Fixed in my memory as a part of my family and I will miss him so much.

Dougie I will miss you and always know you were loved......"

September 17, 2011

I remember less often.... cause this body and mind are made that way...to live in the moment and love until we die. But I will always remember you friend. You made my life richer, you made me wiser, now I know the heartache for friends I have lost...you made me pay attention to time so as not to get blindsighted again by friends leaving this earth without a fresh "love you" on my lips and a hug sealing 'a moment that just belongs to us'. You were such a joy in my life you crazy fool...too bad you had to leave before you believed it.
Sally
your other mom for a very short while.

Happy Birthday my dear. We miss you.

Love from Facebook

A few facebook posts that I saw today. Wanted that love to be shared on this blog.


Miss and love you everyday Arty!!!


‎" Ill keep you locked in my head, until we meet again. And I wont forget you my friend.....Ill keep your memory..... my darling" (pink) in my heart forever and always A. Douglas Newby


A few days ago on RosieRadio they discussed where they were when John Lennon died, I reflected then on another moment. The moment I heard Doug was gone. Sitting in my parents kitchen on a cold Monday night in December. With Angela at my side and my father saying the words I never thought I'd hear. I hope you are at peace today my friend.


We think of you today with love. I hope all is well in heaven. Be well.

happy birthday adn. hope they have chocolate cake wherever you are... :)

Pictures from your Dad

A childhood friend

Steve Litwin sent me this and I just had to share with everyone. This is fromm 5th grade camp... It surprised Doug and I both when we learned we had actually been at camp at the same time. He at Burton and myself at Pattegill.


Jessy,

Unfortunately I do not believe we have met before but Doug was my best friend growing up throughout elementary school. We lived a block away from each other in Huntington Woods and literally spent every weekend taking turns sleeping at each other’s houses and playing every sport we could fit into our schedule. We both went to different schools and kind of parted ways in middle school but played hockey against each other in high school. Doug was always a great competitor on the ice and as soon as the game was over it was like we were back in elementary school again. We would reunite; our parents would reunite. It was great. Each year this was the highlight of my hockey season.

Taylor reminded me that it was Doug’s birthday today and I ran across your blog - great job by the way – and you said that Art was looking for the picture with him and the Stanley Cup because it was the biggest smile caught on film. I found another great picture of him smiling and wanted you both to have it.

Sincerely,
Steve Litwin

Happy Birthday

Thinking of you today. Hope they have a recipe for Nana's chocolate cake up there and a big glass of milk for you to put it in. Happy 27th Arthur Douglas.
Miss. Love.

A Visit with Dad

Art sent me a little something he wanted to share.


Doug dropped by:

This is very personal, but I still wanted to share.

Doug showed up in a dream a couple of nights ago….it had been a while.
I was at the house my Mom (Nana) grew up in. We were waiting for Doug. He was on his way over with a couple of friends. When someone said he was coming down the street, I went out to meet him. He looked exactly the same, wearing a disheveled white button shirt. I sensed he had been away.
I told him he had to pick up some flowers (?) for me for some event. I told him I would give him the money. (imagine!)
He interrupted me, walked over, put his arm around my shoulder & said: “I love you, Dad.”
I told him I loved him, too &
immediately woke up. (Damn!!!)

Joanne says there were several messages with this dream. I’m working on that.

I would like to hear from others if Doug has visited them in dreams.

Random Photos

Junior Prom with Lance Bashi





House Party Junior Year - with Cassandra



unsure where



us being us


Dancing with Rondell at school dance. Not sure of the year.



Found these photos in a box. They are a little blurry because I took pics of them b/c I have no scanner. But either way, enjoy

Open Up

I opened up the blog again. I didn't like clicking the link on my face book and not being able to get right here. I want anyone to read this when they want and not to be hinder by logging in. 

So I have a funny Lil story. For those of you who didn't know when I moved into my apt in Chicago last June the "brown couch" didn't fit in the elevator. So I found a friend and gave them the couch. Well it just so happens that I ran into this friend on the way home from the grocery store the other day. Here is what my friend Ricky said.

"Remember the couch you gave me? It's haunted. It's like there is someone sitting on the couch sometimes. Just this intense feeling of a seat being taken."

He wasn't afraid of this energy. He just accepted it. And Ricky has no idea about Doug or his special couch. He felt it without any prior knowledge. 

I loved it. Loved knowing Doug's powerful energy is still alive. 

Hope all is well. 

Oh and welcome to the world lil Payton Newby. 

We are happy to have you!

Thinking of you today. Love you kid. 

Today.....I will cry.

Opening song.....please don't cry. Try and stop me, today my heart aches, my tears spill out of my eyes, my nose runs, my memories are alive with your face. Today, where ever your spirit may be, and you have many many friends and family to visit today Doug, I am so happy you were a small part of my life. Your powerful spirit, when on earth, overflowed normal boundaries and stuck like superglue for us left behind. Two years.....a tragic waste of life. Some days I can make sense of it......today......the pieces are hard to put together and I don't think I'm going to try ....not today, maybe tomorrow. Not getting the pieces of your death together paralyzes my life. So today, for you...in your memory, I will stop being logical, and clear headed and strong as to why you left this earth at 24 years, alone, troubled, desparate, scared and confused. Today please don't ask me to 'please don't cry'.

Message from Dad

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DOUG I MISS YOU VERY MUCH, BUT YOUR MEMORY ALWAYS BRINGS A SMILE.DAD

The day of your Birth: September 16, 1982

So you were born 26 years ago. Do I celebrate this date? I'm torn. I'm growing older and you're not. If I were your parent my heart would ache today. My mind would be spinning with stories of the exact moment of your birth, memories only they have. Memories that make them smile. "you were such a beautiful boy", "you were our pride and joy", "you ate well... like a normal infant" (I kid, I kid... you were probably an enormous eater then too). Time is slipping by and you are not here with us. That makes me sad, you were such a cool, dynamic kid. I know you are cool and now perfect in heaven too. Happy Birthday. Your friend, Sally

Happy Birthday Douglas!

We love & miss you everyday!

So tomorrow is my 25th birthday. 

I can't help but recall a conversation with Doug. We were 16 or 17 and never wanted to grow up -- we thought we would never be this old.

That we would be young and naive and free forever. That life would never move forward and that we would forever have our teenage freedom and everlasting love. 

A psychic  told my mom that Doug knew he was living life on a shortened stay. That he packed in as much as he could because his soul knew that his time was short. This conversation with him is so vivid to me today because although I knew that one day I would be here, maybe Doug did indeed know that he would not be with us. 

It didn't occur to me until just now that Doug has being trying to get my attention all week. He has been flooding his presence into my dreams and I think it's his way of saying Happy Birthday. 

So I guess all I wanted to say was thanks. 

Thank you Doug for thinking of me on my birthday!

Love you always. 

Rest in Peace

Most of my fondest memories of Doug are at Nana & Papa's House. I was sad to hear of his passing but I'm sure that he is in a better place. A place where he and his grandson can enjoy each other once again. I hope that both Doug & Papa are with their family in spirit now. Much love and prayers to the Newby Family.

Look at what I found!

I came home from Chicago this weekend to help my parents move out of our "Berkley" house and going through my things I found this photo. A few months ago Art asked me if I knew where it was and I had no idea where to look. Luckily I came across it. Enjoy!
Love, Jessy

DOUG & THE CUP
Jessy,
Thank you so much for finding this picture.
I wanted this picture for one reason: Doug’s smile.
I remembered it was the biggest smile I had ever seen on Doug.
He was so excited to have his picture taken with the Cup.

Doug’s dream, as with every hockey player, was to hoist the Stanley Cup. He never realized that dream, but standing there with the Cup, you can see how thrilled and proud he was to hold one of his dreams.

will you remember me?

a note of comfort from Doug.

So I'm driving down I275 reflecting on my move and all I have to do, radio is off so I can listen to my still small voice inside. I am stuck on what i am going to do with 'the brown sofa' cause i just bought a new one that night and 'brown sofa' will not be moving with us. Doug claimed 'brown sofa' as his own when he lived with us. If I give up 'brown sofa' what will happen?

I hear myself say out loud "will you remember me?" and I hear my inside voice say "i want a sign that you will remember me damn it i want a sign cause i am giving up your brown sofa and its hard to give up the brown sofa"

I compose myself and my thoughts so i can drive and i turn on the radio some time later. and I hear a voice from a song i do not know the name, the instant i hit the power button:

"I will remember you, you will remember me, don't let your life pass you by, weep no more my memories. "

I'm trying and I hear you, thanks for the sign.
Sally

Across the World

I have been in Australia for just over a month now. I have come to realize that I think about Doug, just about everyday. With everything I do and some of the situations I've faced he has been there. This trip has been amazing, yet has made me face some major hardships. I feel that due to everything I had been through with Doug, that's what made me handle situations with the best decisions.

The other day I came down with the flu. I was laying around my house wishing I had the comfort of my family around me. At least my dad to bring me chicken noodle soup from the onion roll like usual. I was in my bed staring at the blog for at least an hour. Reading all the blogs over and over again. To be honest I was crying like a little baby. While doing so I proceeded to text my dad and tell him I missed him. When he replied he told me to look at the blog. I was confused because I was just at it. So I check it out again and there's my dads post. I have come to realize that even across the world we are all thinking of him at the same time. Also, that Doug manages to watch out for all of us no matter where he is. That alone gives me so much comfort and strength as I'm over here facing this country by myself.

To everyone back home, I miss you and love you with all of my heart.

To Doug, thank you for still being here for me when I need you.

A moment with your Dad...

DOUG’S VISIT

I have to share the dream I had the night before the party. On Sunday we we’re having a family get together to honor Doug’s passing.

In my dream, the party was at my parents (Nana & Papa) home. There were lots of people there when Doug walks in the front door. We hugged hello and then I tried to explain to him that he had passed away a year ago to the day. He shrugged his shoulders & said “So, whatever.” I proceeded to try to find evidence of his passing to prove it to him. He didn’t care.

A large group of family & friends were at the front door & I went out to tell(warn) them

Doug was there. Nobody was concerned and they all came in the house.

I found some document to prove Doug’s death & showed it to him. He said it didn’t matter.

I woke up at that point & tried my darndest to go back to sleep & see Doug. Still, I was elated. I believe Doug had two messages with his visit. One, he was OK. Two, he is with us. All of us! I find great comfort in that.

This was hard to write & it’s taken me a while to do it. As you can imagine, the emotions. were pretty strong & lots of Kleenex were involved. ☺

I hope everyone finds the comfort & joy I had with Doug’s visit. Please feel free to share if you have had visits from Doug.

Art Newby

Clapping and Smiling

So tonight I was making Super Bowl squares to help raise money for my Breast Cancer 3Day Walk, I got to thinking about the last time I took on this task. It was one of the hardest things I had to do; I thought I’d never do it again. Last August my mom, (someone who loved Doug dearly) was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I couldn’t help but think at the time of how I would have told Doug the news. What would I have said to him on the phone? How would I let him know women that we loved had cancer? Instead of having to make that call I had to send my guardian angel to watch over her. He brought us nothing but one good piece of news after another. I didn’t feel his presence with me as strongly while I sent him to her. Sent him to keep safe the most important women in my world, and he did a hell of a job. She is done with radiation and she kicked cancers ass! Now, she, myself, my sister and quite a few of our friends are walking sixty miles for boobs!

This September as I walk and think about my blisters I will recall the feeling I had when I crossed the finish line of my last walk. The love I felt when Doug, who by that time was my ex-boyfriend was standing there clapping for me. Standing there alone, clapping and crying, waiting for me to complete the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Standing there supporting me, when I thought we had reached our limits as far as that went. He didn’t tell me he was coming. In fact I’m pretty sure we hadn’t talked since we broke up, but there he was to support me. I don’t think I found him amongst the crowd after closing ceremonies, and I didn’t call him because there were no words needed to be said. The moment our eyes locked was enough.

Just another moment where without even trying he changed my life. Made me feel loved and important when I didn’t think it was possible to think about anything except my aching feet. Such a good man he was.


P.S. I would love nothing more than to hear anyone elses wonderful memories or words of Doug. I feel like I cannot be the only one with moments like these and I’m asking anyone to share. If you would like me to post them I will. Email me @ jessy_lesley@yahoo.com. Help me keep this blog going.

Atlanta

I can't decide what it is about Atlanta, but every time I 'm there. You're there.
I don't know if it's because it’s a place we traveled that was just ours. A place we once talked about moving to. A place where we have some happy memories. The place where I grieved for you after the funeral was over, but something about that city calls to you whenever I'm there.

June of 2003 we were waiting for our plane home to Detroit after my sisters wedding. We sat around for quite a while and after we had some lunch you insisted there was time for ice cream. You ignored me when I said, "You don't have time to wait in the damn line!" You went to the Ben & Jerry's ice cream stand and ordered yourself the biggest waffle cone I've ever seen. I want to say it was Mint Chocolate Chip. You were running through the airport, careful not to spill, because my dad and I were the only ones not yet on the plane! You almost missed the flight!
I always think of that story when I land in Atlanta and every time I go, I end up in the same terminal as that day and in those moments I can feel you around me.

I didn't let myself say goodbye to you until after I got to Atlanta last December. I think maybe I needed my mom to help me. I needed the song you sent her and I needed to be away from all that reminded me of you at home. Maybe that is why you always meet me there.

Maybe it is the plethora of Waffle Houses.

---Waffle House is perfectly acceptable option after the reception of a wedding. Especially if you are still wearing your suit and bridesmaid dress.---

Did you open a Waffle House in Heaven? There still aren't any in Michigan and I can't find one in Chicago either.

Not Today...

Where do I start? A year? Wow. Time is slipping away so quickly.

I think of you so very often and I find it hard to think of today as a day where I should remember you more than I do on every other day.

Today. This day? Isn't a day I want to remember.
It's a day where I don't want to spend it thinking of you.
Plus, Doug it’s the first day of finals week! What are you doing to me here honey? Hopefully you help me pass this architecture final. Could you whisper the answers in my ear Angel of mine?

I want to think of you all the other days. The days where you lived and made impressions on my life constantly.

The Christmas we played, okay you played Zelda all day, while I looked up the cheats online. The sour apple slurpee you bought me the first day we walked from your mothers to mine. My first visit to Keego. Geez... That's a story I'll tell forever. I refuse to make today the day I remember you. I remember you on 6/24, 12/21, 4/22. Those are the days that are important. The days that in the last ten years I've held near and dear to my heart.

December 10th may be the day of your death.
But all the other days were better days.
Days I'll never forget.

Today

Tonight, the Newby family and friends are meeting at the Living Room in Berkley. I know its a day that we all will be thinking about you. Its nice that they are getting everyone together. Julia and I talk about u a lot. Its become part of the healing process. I know she misses your friendship.
I just got done watching the video with you break dancing. Everytime i watch that video, I cry and laugh.
I have never shared my memories with the blog site because most of them are silly..but I love thinking about all the good ones we had together. Everytime that song with Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow comes on, I always think of you and I , driving home from somewhere, singin it together...swearing that one day, will do karoakee to it. ;)
I miss you Doug.

Time to say stuff

This day can not go by without some words about you. If we could we would hold you as close today as we did a year ago. wounds are healing and lives are moving on. heartache has lessened some for a few of us. it's just nature at work fixing our broken hearts and allowing us to laugh again. even today dear friend i can think of you and laugh. One day you asked me if I wanted to go for a boat ride and I said "in the water!?" pause pause pause, look of confusion "yes in the water" laugh laugh of course in the water. Be well, be safe, be in heaven with the Angels and watch over all of us silly humans.

Turkey Day

So as I make plans to head home for Thanksgiving I think of how much time has passed. I think about where I was a year ago and I cannot believe how far I have come.

I’m in a new city, at a new school, with a new job… I remember what I was doing this time last year… The night before Thanksgiving I was working at 24 Seconds and it was a busy busy night… I was standing at the server station and I heard someone call my name. I spun around and there was Doug. I hadn’t seen him in quite some time and he and Jessica stopped in just to see me. The last time we had spoke he had told me how much he wanted me to meet her.

Did I mention I was busy that night? I think back now and I didn’t really pay them that much attention at all. I think I always tried to distance myself from Doug because it was just easier for us to be friendly rather than good friends. We had too much history and connection to be able to function in a normal friendship. So after small chit-chat I went about my job and before they left I remember Doug insisting to tip me more than necessary. I rolled my eyes at him like I always used to and they left.

That was the last time I ever saw him.

It was almost a year ago.

I’ve tried not to spend too much time thinking about what I could have done differently. How much nicer I could have been. The things I could have said or the attention I could have paid him. But I remember that Doug always knew how much I loved him. That we never stopped loving each other but that it just wasn’t meant to be. That’s the thought I carry with me everyday. That there was love, and he knew it.

Everyone at Nana & Papa’s is going to have to put a little more on their plate this year…
Make sure you enjoy it as much as he would. He will be there with you.
Spreading love to all of you. Make sure you soak it in.

Happy Thanksgiving.

25th Gathering in September

So I had a few health challenges and it put my focus there for a few months. Thought of Doug often and wondered how he would take the news. I imagine him as being like all of my friends, compassionate, helpful, sending good positive energy and prayers. Well I'm back to making the blog important again because it is one of my highest priorities. I am ready to receive as many pictures from the Birthday Celebration as I can get. Foolishly Jessy and I both forgot our cameras for the party so I had to use Joanne's camera. Jo or Art can you get them to me. Please send me what ever you have. sbrownlesley@hotmail.com. More later I got work to do.

I hate how time passing heals our hearts but also takes our memories away.
AND
I hate not having a picture of Doug on his 25th Birthday.

slide show

An open invitation

Doug's 25th birthday is coming this weekend and Jo & Art have invited us out to their house in Davisburg. They would like to see us all and join them in celebrating Doug's birthday the way he would have wanted us to.
As you all know, Doug liked to eat, so bring you appetite!
Please bring a dish to pass and something to drink.
We will be in the pool if its nice enough, eating, and will have a Euchre tournament.
It will be a good for us all to be together on this special, but emotional day.
When: Sunday September 16, 2007
Time: 1:00 pm
Where: Art and Joanne Newby's

Letter on a Train

Jessy Here. Riding the train home to Chicago just a few days ago I wrote this... Haven't had much to say in a while, but its very important to me that we keep Doug's memory alive with this blog... So again I share a little letter to our Douglas with all of you.

I read a book today. Listened to it actually. Bought the book on iTunes. Saw it at Target and thought innocently that it would be a good read. Little did I know that when I got to the end I would be caught of guard, in public, balling my eyes out.

The last few months have been easy. Life is good. My love for you has brought me closer to those who also loved you. Closer to an old dear friend of ours who loves me and treats me as you said I always deserved.
You were right.
I made the move to Chicago, to study art history like you told me I should.
Truly, I am happy.

I think of you often. But the tears are fewer and farther between.

As I listened to the author of the book tell her story of how she found out that her sister was dead… How the images of it are so clearly in her mind. Makes me think of something my dad said once. That everyone from his generation remembers what they were doing when JFK was killed. How now people our age will remember where they were on 9/11. And how I know I will never forget where I was when I heard you were gone. The author spoke at the memorial. And it made me remember sitting in the back of Tony’s car reading what I wrote to he and Angela and how I hoped that it was good enough. How my chest was heavy and my breath so distant from my lungs when I stood before your family and friends. How even though he could hardly explain your dad was thankful I shared the love and good things I knew about you with everyone. The words of the last chapters of this book took me to a place I haven’t been in quite some time. I guess a place I haven’t been in nearly 7 months. Although now, I am sad, I’m glad to think of you today. Glad to not forget how much I miss you.


I guess it’s finally hit me what forever really means.

SIX

Would you know my name if I saw you in Heaven?

Doug and Mom

This is a beautiful picture of Doug and Linda. Thank you so much for sending it to me Erin. They both look so proud and happy. Good Times.

5+

seems like yesterday
feels like a million years ago
visits are less
but my heart still hurts
i know you're good
but what am i?

Taylor's Playlist

Doug always said "my little sister" not Taylor, so for many years I just knew you as Doug's little sister. I think it's cute and sweet cause his eyes always lit up when he said it. So if you don't mind I cut and pasted our emails that tell the story of the new playlist. I love it Taylor, your touch makes the blog stay alive. thanks, Sally

Hey Sally, it's Taylor. I was wondering if I could make a playlist for Doug's blogspot. I saw that with the song player, it is possible to do one. So with your help I would love to add many songs that he loved and ones that remind me of him everday. Thank you.

Go for it Taylor! add whatever you want any time. thank so much for helping me. take that song off if you don't like it, Jessy wondered why I had it on there. tell me what you need from me and I'm ok with you doing your thing. thanks you thank you thank you. I wanted his sisters to contact me so much. I love the blog but it means more if you love it too. I'm so glad you get me...about this. this is gonna be fun. Sally

I love the site. I think you did a wonderful job with it. I really appreciate all you have done with it. It is truly beautiful and makes things a little easier by being able to see him everyday. Thank you again Sally. Taylor

4 months and stuff to share.

This is how I do it. I noodle around the bestaudiocodes.com until I feel your spirit direct me to something . So here you go friend....I put this song up, but I don't know why and I am sure you do.

Oh by the way....thank you for the visit, not only did you save the brown sofa you claimed as your own but the rest of the house had no smoke damage either. I thank you for using all that energy to keep us safe, the dog thanks you too. When I walked in the back door, with the truck and ladder in the driveway, I felt your energy scurrying around and it made me smile in the middle of a big scare.

Sally, thank you for this site, I love it. If you have room please post this. thanks Jo

Although Doug didn’t come from me, I have always considered him “my son”. When our families merged Doug really helped with the bonding process. For several years, the 7 of us lived in 1200 sq ft house (with 1 bathroom). We didn’t really know each other very well but we learned very quickly to love and respect one another.

Doug liked to be the peace maker, If anyone had a problem he would want to fix it. Although he came across as a hard-ass and a mocha-man, we all know that was just his “Front” because he had a heart and soul full of love and kindness toward anyone that crossed his path.

Have you ever seen anyone EAT as much as Doug did? No one could
put it away like he did. (a bottomless pit)
*****TUMS*****

Remember the “Smile” that was always on his face. “I can still see it” He just wanted to happy and he wanted everyone to be happy too. When Doug was around he just wanted to have fun and he wanted everyone to have fun too.

What about the "Talk" could that boy talk or what, I think he could have out-talked anyone and could have sold water to a rock. He had many gifts.

Doug, I miss you and talk to you every single day, I know you can hear me. Although I can’t see you spreading your love and kindness, I know you have been called elsewhere to do this.

I will always carry you in my heart; you are part of my soul.
I love you Joanne

end of the road

It's not the verse....it's the hook that makes me think of you. Not the "love song" but the LOVE song. Went to Atlanta this weekend and went back to the church Sara and Jeff were married in. I looked over my shoulder for the pew you sat in during the wedding..... saw your face smiling back at me. It was a nice reminder to myself that I don't have to let go...it's unnatural.

Although we've come to the end of the road...still I can't let go...it's unnatural.

I stole this from Taylor today...

Jessy here. So I couldnt help but steal this picture of Doug from Taylor today... He looks so beautiful in this shot. Literally like an Angel. I'm thinking this picture was either taken on the boat or at Art & Jo's house. Either way its my favorite to date. I remember seeing it in the DVD playing at the calling hours... I must have watched that 25 times, but everytime I saw this photo I smiled.



I wrote a little letter to Doug in my journal (actually I've written quite a few) and thought it would be nice to share...

---- Remember the first date your dad and Jo went on? And how with just the look on his face we knew they'd be getting married... We looked at each other and called it. Actually I think we called it the first time we saw them talking after one of your hockey games.... but either way we got it right. I went to thai food today and every time I walk in there I remember the way you looked at me the day I ate it all before you got home to have some. You were furious... That jacket you begged me for? It now hangs in my closet and the energy it releases into my apartment is something fierce. Some days I just can't go near the closet. Wasn't living a block and half apart amazing? And wasnt walking to school those ice cold winter months terrible? Even if we did laugh at each others bundled up butts the whole way there.... What about the time we were driving through the alley and saw the bunnies hopping so high in the air we sat there for almost 15 minutes just watching them? Do you remember how mad I was when you gave the balloons I gave to you for your birthday to the little girl at the restaurant...? It seems so silly to have been angry now, but I spent a lot of money on those balloons boy. But it didnt matter to you, all you wanted was to make that little girl smile. And you did. Just like that. You would have given her your arm if thats what it took. I didnt see it then, but now I know that it was in your soul to be kind. You were kind to me, everyday. Even on the ones when I wasnt kind to you.

Some days I forget, that you're gone... Some days I just go on and act as if life were the same as it was December 9th... Some days I think of you and smile... Most days you are with me, comforting me, and telling me that you are okay... You pop up in all the strangest places and all the memories I haven't thought of in years are suddenly alive in my head. It's increible how strong your memory is and I pray that it always stays that way. Til we meet again. ----

Gone Fishin

Thanks you Art for sending more photos for the slide show. The music as much as I love it and think it is appropriate has been tearing my heart out. From what I hear the tears are flowing for those of us who visit this site daily. Sooo I asked Jessy what song would kick it up a notch and she suggested Janie's got a Gun by Aerosmith. She said Doug, Devon, Taylor, Art and she would sing this song on the way to Keego. Sounds like a very happy memory.

Douglas' Dancing

Jessy here. While thinking of things that make me smile about Doug, I remember yet again the breakdancing boyfriend at my sisters wedding.... Even though I'm a computer nerd it still took me some time to figure out how on earth to get this video on here for everyone to see. But finally today on Valentines Day of all days... I finally got the video to work. I hope you smile and laugh when you watch this. I've already watched it 100 times... So ladies and gentlemen without further adue.... Douglas Newby


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more pictures! hurray!

Chelsie thank you so much for the new pictures of Doug. I would love to fill the blog with pictures of friends and family who cared about Doug. I can only hope anyone who views the blog finds some pleasure in this living memorial. I hope others will email pictures of themselves to add to the slide show. sbrownlesley@hotmail.com much thanks.

Nothing Happy about today.

Today is my birthday. Hummmm not such a great year. Since my last birthday I gained 10 pounds and lost You. That's not a good year, not a good 365 days. If I had known then what I know now, I would have gone to the wall for you. I would have called you everyday, I would have invited you over for dinner. I would have bought you stuff. I would have sent you Halmark cards every holiday. I would have gone to Church with you, support groups, spin class, yoga, skating, whatever. I would have done it.

I can not believe I will never see you again. That really makes me unhappy, really, really unhappy. I never wanted you to leave. I NEVER WANTED YOU TO LEAVE! DID YOU HEAR THAT? NEVER EVER!

Now I will just have to live everyday as if I might lose something. Now I will have to sing a little sweeter, give a little harder, listen a little better, work a little harder, live a little better. Next birthday I am not doing this again. Happy Birthday to me.

the walks, the talks

Doug liked walking with me. I may or may not have been training for the Breast Cancer 3Day or just back from the 3day and still taking long walks. He was willing to do anything to please us, he had the "disease to please" I tried not to take advantage of this but he seemed to enjoy the walks also. It was very.... what? therapeutic for both of us. He talked and talked about what was going on, trying to sort things out out-loud. I enjoyed listening to him and I tried to ask just the right questions. It was a safe place for him being on those walks. He seems to know that my intent for him was only for his highest good; I didn't want to scold, lecture, preach or change him-he seems to know that as time went on because the stories got more and more truthful and candid.

Since he was a hockey player the best metaphor for his life I can use is that Doug kept "hitting the boards" in all he did. And hit them fearlessly and frequently. That was just what he was and what he did....hit the boards. Doug has finally stopped hitting the boards.

No more hurting, no more pain. Rest in Peace dear friend.

As long as you love by Cindi Bullens

Here's the back story on the song playing on this blog: As long as you love (Scarlet Wings) by Cindi Bullens. Magically this song came to me at 4am in a dream. In that dream, my very first hair dresser Merf Barda was in his salon in Birmingham. He stopped everything to have me listen to this song. So the entire dream we stood in front of his CD player listening to this angel-like voice sing about moving on and loving again. When I woke the song had just played on my Sirus Radio and although I reallized that the song played into my dream I was haunted with the melody and had to find the words. The song seemed as if it were a message from Doug to all the family and friends he left behind. I felt it so approriate for Jessy that I got up, wrote down all the words and emailed it to her. She liked it. I hope you do too.

Like a family member

Doug lived with us for a short while, maybe a year. Even though that may seem like a good amount of time to have a young adult become a member of the family...the time went by quickly, way too quickly. He captured our hearts, fit in beautifully, even took our dog Max as his own, and never stopped eating. Never ever.

Having Doug in our home was life altering for me. And to this I can't emphasize enough how he really changed who I was. It was something like winning the lottery....nothing in my life was ever going to be the same after this. There was no going back.

I am usually a slightly fearful, non-risk taker, disguised as a control freak. I would ordinarily never, never have invited him to stay. But my husband said "he can stay here" and I heard myself say "yes". And it seems so right, so good and like the right thing to do. Not the easy thing to do. I heard myself say "don't be right...do right" and so I welcomed him into our home. Welcomed him not as a guest but as a family member. I had no intentions to replace his family, they all loved him dearly, that was more than evident, our intention was to help him repair some bridges he had burned, rest, recuperate, start again. Here is our journey of Doug. More to come.....as the memories arise.